Tuesday, June 19, 2007

I jumped down from the bunk where I slept in the room with the fake-look wood and the painting of God

Well, I'm over the strep and have moved on to a sinus infection. It's official - my immune system is narcoleptic!

In between the strep and the sinus infection, I told myself that my remaining sniffles were just allergies (really, if you knew me, a plausible explanation -- especially at this time of year). So this last weekend I went out of town and up the river to hang out with some outdoorsy paddler friends of mine. One of them taught me how to roll a kayak!

Well, sort of. With the shape and size of playboats these days, it was more like rolling a jellybean. So instead of being all impressed and imagining me rolling a loaded sea kayak in 10-ft swells (like my freakin' awesome unstoppable gorgeous little sister can), imagine me casually rolling a small piece of candy under a finger. Doo-dee-doo-dee-doo.

I admit further qualifications are required if I'm to consider this remotely factual. According to witnesses, I rolled the jelly bean not once but three times -- but only when I thought my friend was guiding the paddle. See, as soon as I knew that he wasn't, I just hung out under water and then tried to muscle it in the most ineffective way. Am I naturally cut out for unhealthy, psychologically dependent relationships or WHAT?!

See, part of it is that despite all my book-learnin' on the subject, my brain still thinks it should work this one way: lean on the paddle, force yourself up. It categorically does NOT work this way, as I've supposedly proven to myself multiple times, the abundant evidence being lungfuls of water and the boat stubbornly obeying the laws of physics, i.e. remaining overturned.

In case you were wondering, what you basically have to do is snap your hips to one side when you're leaning forward, then as you snap, allow yourself (head last) to just sprawl over your back deck. It's SEX-AAAAAY. Before you know it, the boat is up and you're ready to toss yourself into the waves again. The paddle hardly does anything but provide a moment of bracing power. I have to go back and try it again. Thank god for nose plugs.

That night we drank wine, ate quesadillas, listened to an old Rheostatics album and chatted about random things while sitting out on the screen porch in this small town where no one locks their doors. It was gooooood. Come with me next time. You'll like it.


At June 20, 2007 7:27 a.m., Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey, Mike here. Do you think you'll one day drown? It sounds plausible, especially where you're taking in lungfuls of water.

At June 20, 2007 8:26 a.m., Blogger Drew said...

I have an Introducing Happiness t-shirt, from album tour... good times, good times.

At June 22, 2007 4:51 p.m., Blogger Hooker said...

I want to kayak.


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