Thursday, May 31, 2007

inspiration not perspiration

I've not been posting lately but if I had, the posts would have been about:

  • How I've recently reduced the number of times I secretly break down and go sob in one of the bathroom stalls at work by increasing how often in a week I get my heartrate between 140-160 bpm for at least 30 minutes, sometimes 45. Dear elliptical machine, you are boring as hell but you are saving my life and giving me a nice firm can.

  • My second astonishingly casual and realistic celebrity dream. This time it involved John Cusack stroking my hair lovingly, and the two of us discussing politics and how to make the world a better place. It was great. Come back to my subconscious any time, John! Thanks for the tenderness.

  • That I thought the much-criticized ("in poor taste" "I can't believe it's real" "obnoxious" "shocking") and ridiculously well-publicized Memorial Day invitation Nicole Richie wrote to her friends was totally hilarious and delightful. (I don't follow her goings on and am not a fan or anything, I just thought it was really great!) Reading about the response made me think "Wow, the American media really can't handle even the most hamfisted irony! What the hell?!" (What did you think?)

  • How drivers in my town have got to CALM THE FUCK DOWN and stop tailgating. I drive fast enough, really I do. You'll get there! I promise! And just about as fast as you would if you WEREN'T RIDING MY BUMPER with the humpy urgency of an unneutered, emotionally stunted beagle with dominance issues.* Asshole!

  • My mom and dad and I watching the Canadian team in the Stanley Cup Playoffs get spanked by the Ducks AGAIN. And my pater declaring "Emery is really the star of this game." And my mater weighing in with "Hey, Ray Emery is very cute! He's single, I'm pretty sure! I want a grandson with his genes!" (then looking at me expectantly).

  • This suggestion from a friend re my ongoing research into the question "What will I do with my life?"
The Dude says: you should rent a big bingo ball machine
Roo says: ok
The Dude says: and get 1000 pingpong balls
and get all your friends to write down ideas on what to do with your life
then have a big party
Roo says: ok
The Dude says: and play "what to do with my life Bingo"
best way to make hard decisions, bar none
you might end up running a western-themed gay bar in downtown Carleton Place, though
so it can be risky
Roo says: or I might end up painting my entire body red and running through the streets yelling "I'm BLEEEEEEEDING", then spend my remaining years institutionalized
The Dude says: yes, there is that upside
Roo says: and when I asserted I'd only done it due to "what to do with my life bingo", it would be further grounds for my continued forced medication and incarceration
The Dude says: forced medication isn't as bad as it sounds

* You should really follow that beagle link.


At May 31, 2007 2:45 p.m., Blogger Hooker said...

I sometimes sit on the toilet at work like the thinker and fall asleep just because it's the one place I won't get caught dozing off.

I gotta try sobbing though.

At June 01, 2007 4:10 a.m., Blogger sgazzetti said...

I must say I like The Dude's idea about planning your life's course. Sure beats re-reading "What Color Is Your Parachute?" every four years.

I am happy to hear about your nice firm can. Not so much with the sobbing part, though. God damn it, why is it so hard to find meaningful things for which someone will pay you?

At June 01, 2007 8:55 a.m., Blogger Drew said...

Emery *is* a cutie.

I like what Wilde has to say about Beagles.

At June 01, 2007 5:19 p.m., Blogger Jonathan said...

Great... hockey player genes... just what every family needs...

"Hey, dude, that was my parking space"
"No it isn't man"
(painful sounds)

I guess hockey players do have their uses though.. you know, like hitting the people you wish you had the courage to whack :)

At June 08, 2007 1:54 p.m., Blogger Hooker said...

alright, man. my entertainment is waning here.

get back to it.


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