Sunday, April 12, 2009

dreams in the age of publicity

I dreamed that I had accidentally gotten on the wrong bus, a school bus instead of a city bus, and that all the passengers were Ojibway. It turns out they were heading out to a field just outside town, where they were going to have a healing circle (I don't even know if this is a done thing or where my brain got this from. The details were vague.)

When we got to the field, we all piled off the bus and I tried to explain that I'd ended up there by accident, but nobody minded, and they invited me to join in. I politely declined, and it became clear that I had to just wait for them to be done so I could take the bus back with them.

However, I urgently needed to pee.

There were some buildings behind the field, tall brown brick, and as there was no activity around them I assumed they were abandoned. There's gotta be a good spot to pee over there, I thought.

As I approached the side of one, I realized that I could see in through the windows, and discovered that they were retirement homes, full of white-haired people in flowered armchairs watching television. It did not occur to me that I might walk in the lobby and ask to use a toilet. Instead, I tried to find a spot outside where I could pee where I would not be visible to any of the residents.

I found such a spot, I pulled down my pants and emptied my bladder.

Then I heard a laugh and looked to my right. Crouched very nearby, there was a young guy, maybe 20, wearing a ballcap, with an easy grin on his face.

Alarmed, I pulled up my pants fast and he said "No no, don't worry. That was cool!"

I smiled politely, and said, "Uh, thanks... I'm going to go."

"So cool," he said, "That I'm totally posting that on YouTube!!" and he waved his fancy phone in my direction. I noticed another guy was with him, also laughing.

"I'm going to call it 'Woman Urinates Behind Building'!" and they both laughed, waggling their phones in the air. When I looked back, one of them was filming my piss running down the walkway.

You know how this ends:

I woke up, got out of bed, and peed.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

I don't know why it works, but it does

Me: I feel blue

Him: i feel: 83, 160, 213

Him: ...but that is because i am a cylon

Him: something to cheer you up: Lesley asked me a Thomas' B-day party if I had a bucket list


Saturday, March 14, 2009

sit! stay! paw! other paw! gooooood boooooyyyyyyy!

Hey, I saw a very funny New Yorker cartoon. The title is "Bloggers without Borders" and there's a guy on a street corner with a megaphone, and he's yelling out "You want my latest opinion about the President? How about my opnion of Japanese enzyme baths. Or breakfast wraps--you need to hear what I have to say about breakfast wraps!"

Also, why is the first chapter of Cesar Milan's book "Cesar's Way" all about himself and how great America/Jada Pinkett-Smith is? Just get on with the Dog Magic, Cesar.

So as you can tell, I've had trouble blogging lately. Maybe I'll try a little harder to resuscitate this "bloated corpse" as a favourite IWF called it.

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

who even wants to know

That my dog eats tissues. I just fished one out of his gullet now, using sweeping motions and my longest fingers.

Tuesday, February 03, 2009

I forgot how to log in

Also, how to use a computer in general.

Hey, all I have to tell you right now is the other day I did a high-kick in old jeans, and I ripped my pants in the butt. I guess those jeans are for the rag bin now. Or Saturday night at The Lafayette.

Also, I taught my 63-lb poodle how to do taxes. He's really good at it. Want him to do yours?

Also, I have a New Yorker Cartoons desk calendar and one of the best captions so far is "But I hate su casa."

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

things on my bookshelf that maybe shouldn't be there

- blonde wig, shoulder-length bob, straight bangs
- plastic produce bag with a round piece of soap in it
- box printed with image of a set of encyclopedias - in the box, nothing

Hey, if you want to laugh your ass off, go listen to Margaret Atwood reading "Payback" on CBC's Massey Lectures. I'll try to find the link later.

She reads in this unbelievable monotone that will slowly loosen your grip on sanity. Plus she's whip-smart and very funny.

Sunday, November 09, 2008

I know you are but what am I?

Well, looks like I missed two days. Whoops.

I know it's really childish of me but I'm still really enjoying Sarah Palin, even moreso now that she's back in Alaska where she has little influence on how things go in the rest of the world. What a nightmare she would have been in Washington.

Most recently, I dearly love how she responded to the allegations that she didn't know what countries were in NAFTA or that Africa was a continent. All in the same semi-coherent, rambling sentence, she defended herself against the people who burned up the phone lines to CNN, calling their actions "immature" and "unprofessional"... just before she calls them "jerks". AHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAAA.  Pot!! Kettle!!!*

I'll be over this soon, but it really made me giddy to see her lose after she was part of such a low-down dirty campaign and after her many nauseating displays of ignorance and arrogance.

* Fortunately, I'm more than happy to own up to the fact that I'm immature, unprofessional AND a jerk.