Monday, June 11, 2007

notify the press! this is science!

First of all, I can't believe not one of you bastards (bastardesses?) came forward to acknowledge that you have a tiny bit of cellulite. Come on! You do! And you know what? You're still hot.

OK, so moving along. I'm sick. Really sick. I went to the doctor today because I spent the entire beautiful weekend that just went by SLEEPING. (OK, and watching Battlestar Galactica. For the record, I think the love rhombus between Starbuck/Apollo/Dualla/Anders is STUPID and I also think that all told, I have a way bigger stupid fake crush on Apollo than on Helo. Sorry! He's just so earnest, it's deeply affecting for a sarcastic bastardess like me.)

OK, so, the doctor first says, "You haven't been around anyone with mono, have you?" which makes my mind reel at the possibility that I might have what we called "the kissing disease" in junior high school, you know, the one that sluts get (this was the 80s, so young teens only felt each other up and frenched, and AIDS for straight middle-class adolescents hadn't really been invented yet - not like today when everyone loses their virginity at 12 and has a range of STDs by 16). Fortunately, my spleen is not enlarged, which is part of the differential diagnosis for mono. He checks my glands (out like a puffer fish) and my throat again (red with white streaks) and determines it's likely strep. I get the scrip for amoxicillin and away I go.

So just now, I was IMing with my sister, and because I'm alone, and full of mucus, and fighting the disease, and battling the goo, I do one of those horking types of things, where you kind of haul the mucus from the back of your sinuses. You know, just to relieve the pressure. No one's around, I'm not offending anyone, so what the hell, right?

And I swear to god, this horking thing I did pulled out part of my brain. It was as big and hard as a dried apricot. It was grey and bloody and pulsating with life. Was it part of my brain!? Was it sentient!? Can I still do long division!?

Either way, it is now flushed down the toilet. I fully expect it will lead a long and healthy existence in the city's sewer system, growing ever larger, cutting some teeth, and plotting a stealthy return to mama someday. Me? I am PACKING MY BAGS.

[Note: Image is not from my actual body, though I did mention to a friend that I considered photographing my specimen. I found the above image googling "mucus sinuses". PERFECT, huh!?]


At June 12, 2007 2:16 a.m., Blogger sgazzetti said...

You bitch. I was rigid with horror until I saw the note.

[Note: I am gullible and easily horrified. Plus, I have enough cellulite on my ass to start a soap factory]

At June 12, 2007 10:06 a.m., Blogger banjeroo said...

I can barely look at it myself, and I'm gross.

At June 12, 2007 11:48 a.m., Anonymous amanda said...

firstly...*takes look at butt* i've definately got cellulite.
secondly...ew, been there done that, and i also looked at the picture and went "hmmm do you think that is actually what she coughed up cause if she did she'd better be getting her arse to the ER" and then went nah you'd be more alarmed if that came out of you.

At June 12, 2007 1:19 p.m., Blogger Drew said...

I'm saddened that you had to resort to Google Images, when you could've taken a shot of the real thing. Is your digital camera out of film?

At June 12, 2007 1:53 p.m., Blogger Hooker said...

The big ones usually come when there's very little effort.

I hork and snarf all the time and barely produce. Then whenever I give a tiny "hem hem" in plain view of a dozen or more strangers a half pint of frozen chowder jettisons from my throat.

At June 12, 2007 2:12 p.m., Blogger banjeroo said...

I am loving the comments these last two posts have generated. Thanks dudes!

At June 12, 2007 11:36 p.m., Anonymous Natalie said...

Well I hope you are feeling better soon! I recall having some kind of head thing going on and being at a restaurant with friends, trying to just get through the meal without blowing my nose. Finally, I thought I would discreetly just blow into a kleenex after the meal and I just had to keep blowing and blowing as about a cup of mucous came out! Everyone at the table was grossed out - though they couldn't SEE the mucous, they could HEAR this stuff just going and going and going...


Anyway, perhaps I should drop by with that calendar of hot, hunky Italian men that I picked up for you in Rome - maybe that would get your mojo going and help you feel better... ;-)


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