summer time summary so far

PART 1 - COFFEE BOOZE SUGAR

Did I ever write about that great documentary I saw years ago where this father-son team of crazy evangelists with identical blonde slicked back hair and light blue suits were going around doing some CRAZY Jebus preaching in the south and collecting money from hapless desperate people?* They were so ridiculous and over-the-top insane, I couldn't tell if it was a mockumentary or for real until like, an hour in.

At one point the little kid is preaching to a congregation of people**, and a man busts in, drags his wife out of one of the pews, and yells at the boy something like, "you've been brainwashing her, this is bullshit, you keep away from her, you stop stealing from her!!!" and the whole sermon event comes to an abrupt and awkward end. Then the camera follows the boy preacher backstage and records the kid, who is clearly shaken, giving himself a pep-talk as tears roll down his cheeks and stain the front of his baby blue collar. He sobs, rocks his upper body and stares at the floor, muttering a steady stream of supplications to his Lord in a thick southern drawl. Suddenly he clenches his little fists and says fiercely, "Get AWAY from me Devil, you ain't never done nothin' but LIE to me Devil!"

Well, as my friends and family know only too well, that has pretty much been one of my favourite lines IN THE WORLD ever since. I have discovered a multitude of applications for it and invite you to do the same.

Try it:

GET AWAY FROM ME DEVIL, YOU AIN'T NEVER DONE NOTHING BUT LIE TO ME, DEVIL!!!!!!!

It's the best!

So that has been my mantra in avoiding caffeine, sugar and booze for the last oh, three weeks.

And here's the basic update:

Coffee

• doing pretty well, although I still crave caffeine every single morning
• the withdrawal headaches subsided a week ago
• I am drinking an espresso right now

Booze

• I made it through a whole hot sunny weekend at the family cottage/cabin/whatever you call it without drinking a drop of alcohol and didn't miss it, living only on wild blueberries, burgers and lime juice
• yeah, your cold beer looks tasty, but I am just going to go jump in the lake instead! Now that's refreshing, hahahaha!
• went to see some live music outside, including Calexico, and someone had to finish that last little bit of vodka in the freezer, didn't they? Yes, they did.

Sugar

• DEVIL! DEVIL! DEVIL!
• it's like my own personal Ramy al-Jamarat, and I am still successfully lobbing stones at the three pillars of white sugar, high-fructose corn syrup, and glucose***

Seriously though, I just want coffee to be an occasional treat, like this morning, and I feel so much better not drinking very often that it will be easy to keep that in check.

PART 2 - THE REST OF LIFE

• getting over my mental block that I'll never learn how to sail**** and went toodling around in the old Laser with a great friend in fairly high winds, having little or no comprehension of what I was doing, with no greater calamity than dumping several times and getting a scorching pre-cancerous sunburn on my thighs
• taught my coo-coo puppy how to swim, helpful for the summer because he's black and gets as hot as the earth's core on sunny days
• contract recently slipped through my fingers very unexpectedly, (client postponed the whole project possibly indefinitely) so it'll be beans and rice for a while! Ah, I'll be alright for the summer, but if you're one of my 600 friends getting married in the next three months, you might well be getting a home-made gift, like a table runner made from my poodle puppy's shorn fur, or a misshapen platter constructed from dirt and clay dug up from my back yard and baked in my bottom-of-the-line Sears Kenmore oven.

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* I don't have a problem with Jebus, I just have a problem with the crazies.
** who may very well have been zombies
*** just a general analogy, no offence meant to any Muslims of course
**** honestly, I just can't hold that rudder straight