breaking up is hard to do

Friday was my last day on the job at a place I've worked for three years. Here's what I sent out to friends and family on Thursday. Since this group largely comprises my blog readership, I apologize for the repeat, but enough people have said "post it!" that I feel I must bow to my public's demands.

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Subject: break up

Hi all,

Sorry for a mass email but I figured this was the easiest way to spread a simple message: My work-assigned BlackBerry and I are breaking up on Friday.

It has been a reasonably supportive, occasionally fun relationship, but I suppose I knew in my gut from the start that it wasn't going to last. I did love its full QWERTY keyboard and how I could read clever Salon articles from bed with it, but it was also a very demanding, high-maintenance romance. It would nag me do work when I was supposed to be relaxing, and it would pressure me, weekends and evenings, into answering silly questions I wasn't always ready to answer, like "Can you resize the award graphic so that it's a 150x75 pixel JPEG and send it to a disorganized coworker in the next fifteen minutes?"

It just felt a bit needy, you know?

I haven't told it yet, but if I can make a guess based on my experiences with it, it will take the news with its usual sociopathic, plastic aplomb and move on without so much as a glance back at me.

In fact, I confess without any bitterness in my heart that I fully expect my BlackBerry and its phone number xxx-xxx-xxxx to get involved with one of my current co-workers within days, if not minutes of our break-up. (It's a serial monogamist and hates to be alone.) Just thought I'd warn you all that calling it or sending text messages to that number will fall into the wrong hands as of Friday October 26 (5 PM EST).

My boss here, on the other hand, (the one who set us up in the first place) already knows I'm leaving - I told him three weeks ago. I'm heading off to work with some fun, kind, and very talented people at a terrific, successful little publishing house. They produce best-selling and award-winning books and DVDs on outdoor activities - stuff that's really much more up my alley than software. I'm thrilled about the prospect of being thrilled about my work every morning. I start with them November 5.

I'll likely get involved with a new cell phone sometime in the next few weeks - probably something more straightforward, less demanding, and less techy than the old BB. Maybe a cheap rebound affair with something cute, easy-going, and a bit dumb. Let me know if you want the new number when I get it. In the meantime, I can be reached at this email address or at home xxx-xxx-xxxx.

Don't worry about me though - I think I'm going to be okay with this break-up. It feels right.

Roo

p.s. My old work emails will also be defunct very shortly - please delete these from your address books asap.

Then, lucky for me, the responses started coming in, including:

1)

"...a cheap rebound affair with something cute, easy-going, and a bit dumb"...and no doubt, super hot in the sack! I didn't want to say anything, but I always thought of that BB as being a lugubrious piece of twaddle anyways.

Dave

2)

Hi R,

I'm sorry to hear about your break up.... as it leaves me with a difficult choice... who will I be friends with after this whole ordeal. I'm sorry but, even though I liked you guys together, I like your partner better.... so I'm going to keep emailing interesting stuff to it. I hope you aren't mad or angry about this.....

Sorry, but I really must speak with my heart here.

Michael

And then 5 minutes later:

ahhh, I miss you already, screw you stupid blackberry, I want to be your friend.

3)

Hey R,

I'm so sorry to hear this tragic news! If it's any consolation, from what little I had seen of you two, I had a feeling that you were just not right for each other.

The next few weeks are probably going to be quite difficult for you. Try to spend more time with your QWERTY-equipped computer, and any other electronic devices that will help keep your mind off your loss. Losing something as close to you as a phone can be as difficult as dealing with a death. Remember to take the time to grieve, and I urge you not to try to compensate for your loss by picking up some cheap, pay-as-you-go tart, tempting as that may seem on those lonely nights - believe me, it will only lead to more heartache. Now is a time for you to reflect and to consider what you have learned from this experience.

Maybe you will just never find happiness with a BlackBerry(?) Maybe even all cell phones will eventually lead you to the same pit of dejection. Just remember that in this day and age, it's still quite acceptable to have just a land-line... a intermediate fling with a cordless phone (when you are feeling emotionally ready for a change) may help ease you through that transition if you chose to pursue that avenue.

Thanks for letting me know about this - I have already deleted your BlackBerry number from my phone list, which will spare everyone the uncomfortable situations that may arise were I to accidentally dial that number after tomorrow.

Anyhoo, I just wanted to pass on my warmest wishes to you in these difficult times. Keep the wind at your back, a song in your heart, and some sort of vibrating device in your pocket.

take care,
Adrian

4)

and the more succinct:

go get yourself laid, it will make you feel better.
mikey

5) and finally, from the always helpful isogloss, this wonderful suggestion:

Maybe you could let it down easy by going to this Dear John Letter Generator.