reactions to me showing up at work sick with a cold

"Hello! Wow! You look like shit!"

"Stay away from me. Don't touch anything. ANYTHING."

"Hey there snottyface!"

"It's actually hard to talk to you seriously when you look so high."

(I would have stayed home and worked from there but I'm on a deadline and the cursed VPN wasn't working properly. No choice!)

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UPDATE: Sadly, I've only just realized that the most appropriate response to any of the above would have been "LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE!!!"