Tuesday, August 14, 2007

comeuppance

Why do I eat things that make me feel like crap? Oh Fruit Gummies, you are soft and sweet and tangy, but you make me drowsy, bung up my bottom system, give me gas.

Toot toot! I am throwing you away now, and the bag is not near empty yet! That is because I am seething with regret at having ever given in to your squishy tangy sweetness in the first place! I would do something more violent to you, rain down some powerful retribution, but you have sapped all the freaking chi from my body and made me feel limp and boneless! Fuck you, Fruit Gummies! I lie on the floor and curse you with parched lips and a cracking voice that wails complaint in harmony with a gentle stutter of quiet farts!

7 Comments:

At August 14, 2007 5:44 PM, Blogger Bronwyn said...

upon reading, shakes her head, smiles and says "I love you!"

 
At August 15, 2007 7:37 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

For me it's chips. I eat a big bag of them and then feel poisoned. But do you think I will stop? No.

 
At August 16, 2007 2:40 AM, Blogger sgazzetti said...

I love falling asleep to the gentle stutter of quiet farts.

 
At August 16, 2007 8:01 AM, Blogger banjeroo said...

Bronwyn, I love you too.

Isoglossia, who doesn't?

 
At August 16, 2007 12:59 PM, Blogger The Dude said...

You need to learn a trick you can do with a BBQ lighter.

 
At August 17, 2007 12:16 AM, Blogger Hooker said...

I like to buy reese's cups from the machine at work and then freeze them. Then walk out of the room, come back in 20 seconds later and decide they are frozen enough. Open the package. Get melty room temperature chocolate on my fingers. Stick one in each nostril, inhale forcefully, hate life. Repeat in two days.

 
At August 17, 2007 12:37 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

oh my god, that's funny.

 

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