men who I will never date, part I

As many of my friends know, and as I posted about in May 2005, (so long ago!) I have tried Internet dating.

Here are some examples of men out there who I will NEVER date:

Tagline: "Do you realy know what you are looking for?"
I am looking for someone who can spell "really".

Tagline: "Looking for someone special"
Well, I'm looking for someone totally average, nondescript and unoriginal. Oh, there you are!

Profile includes line: "I want a woman who likes to laugh."
Naturally I hate laughing and I am suspicious of people who like to laugh. I prefer people like my psycho roommate from university, Monika N, who as we discovered a few months after she left had been dealing crystal meth out of our basement. After a presumably loving, awesome time high on E and crystal meth (or whatever, I mean, what do I know from drugs?) at a rave, she'd sit in the living room staring into space, coming down with an almost visible black cloud of chemical hate over her head. I want someone like that, but like, a man.

Profile includes line: "Hello ladies!"
Goodbye, fucktard!