cure for the blues
Slightly abridged version of conversation with my sister today:
sister: hi roo
r u there?
sister: im mildly depressed
how do i get out of it?
banjeroo: why are you mildly depressed?
sister: i don't know
banjeroo: because harper sux?
banjeroo: because world is fuct?
sister: i just don't feel good right now
i don't know why
sister: i just feel dark and cynical and negative
and have been for the last couple o weeks
banjeroo: you must do this:
10 jumping jacks
sister: right now?
banjeroo: walk in a straight line with your arms out down the hall like you are walking a drunk test, putting alternating index fingers to your nose
10 m out, 10 m back
do it right now
banjeroo: ok then get a piece of paper when you are done and let me know
and I will give you more instructions
sister: i am done
banjeroo: ok good
now do you have a pen?
sister: [dog] is up
from his nap as a result
banjeroo: do you have a surface you can safely write on (you'll write on the paper but you need to press HARD)
banjeroo: write "FUCK YOU JACKASSES FUCK YOU!!!!!!! FUCK YOU ALL TO HELLLLLLLL AND FUCK THE FUCKING FUCKSHITFUCK TROLL HORSE YOU RODE IN ON!!!!!!!!!!"
sister: ok here goes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
banjeroo: now make up a few more things that you feel like writing
AND NOW START SCRIBBBLING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
scribble all over it
then rip it up
let me know when you're done
you're almost there
sister: ok therE. THAT WAS FUCKING FUN!
did you rip it up?
you're almost done
sister: no i want to save it
i like it
banjeroo: ok keep it then
this program is versatile
sister: i love it
banjeroo: but now you need to go do one somersault on the carpet
sister: i feel better already
banjeroo: depending on how you feel
sister: ok i'll do it
[dog] will go nuts though
here goes nothin'
banjeroo: we are in the home stretch of curing the blues
are you done?
when was the last time you shaved your legs?
sister: i am done
that was CRAZY!
5 days ago
sister: sorrrry. i just had a visitor he's gone now
banjeroo: are you at home or work?
sister: i showed him my piece of paper
banjeroo: what did he think of your paper?
sister: he was shocked and delighted.
banjeroo: perfect. now make a list of ten things you love and go home and shave your legs. then make a nice supper and you're all set.
UPDATE: A day later - I just got this fax at work, no cover sheet, no name, and I swear it made me laugh quietly through my nose until my stomach hurt:
Folks in my office and hers who have accidentally seen "the paper" are probably thinking we're: a) juvenilely obsessed with the puerile quasi-subversiveness of the work "fuck" or b) off our anti-psychotic medication or c) struggling unsuccessfully with rage problems or d) not that well-adjusted generally or e) all of the above.
I say hey, whatever it takes to get a little respect around here.