Wednesday, May 04, 2005

Don’t let those sandwich artists push you around.

Strategy 1: Don’t be afraid to say, when they’re putting on the toppings, “please put on more black olives.” Then stand there, fix an unblinking stare on the sandwich, and keep saying as sweetly as you can, “Uh-huh, more… more… yup, more… more… lookin’ good, but more… more…” until they put enough on (or burst into tears and ask a bewildered co-worker to step in). Say “thank you”.

Strategy 2: Say “Would you please keep piling on the green pepper slices until I say it’s enough?” Monitor their progress with equal parts vigilance and encouragement. Say “thank you”. Repeat for each topping that you like a lot.

Applicable to both strategies: Say “would you please start with the toppings and put the meat/cheese on after?” This, as my co-worked Sean has pointed out, means that the subway sandwich will be more structurally sound when it's piled about 4 inches high with green pepper slices and black olives. Sauce will also help bind the structure through the magic of surface tension, but it will also make the bread soggy after a while, so plan carefully. (Consider, for example: How long will it be before you try to fit that thing in your mouth? Are you comfortable treating the toppings that fall out as a side salad? (Because if so, make sure you ask for a fork to eat it with.))

Strategy 3: Make your own damn sandwich. (And save yourself the inevitable nostril-and-anus-singeing sulphur-farts caused by whatever food-grade preservative they spritz the veggies with to keep them looking fresh in those clear plastic tubs.)


At May 06, 2005 5:41 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yes yes, that's why it's important to ensure the bread has been buttered prior to sauce application. The fat acts as a moisture diffusion barrier, thus delaying mechanical load failure of said hoagie until well and truly stuffed inside gob

Heston Blumenthal


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